Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: You know, the much more sustainable and much more important goal. Moment to moment. Peace. I never really realized that that's what I wanted when I said I want to be happy.
[00:00:13] Speaker B: I'm Diana Earley, and I've spent most of my life learning firsthand what privilege actually costs.
The legacy control, the family expectations. The guilt of feeling trapped in a life everyone thinks you should be grateful for. If you've ever wondered why having everything still feels like something's missing, you're in the right place.
Welcome to Pressures of Privilege.
He spent years landing interviews no one else could get. CIA directors, Navy SEAL commanders, a DEA agent who once tried the drugs he was investigating. Alec Baldwin, Russell Brand.
Then he got the biggest one of his life. The Dalai Lama. In person at his home in India.
He didn't expect what came next. The chase that built his whole career stopped making sense. He walked away from newsrooms and viral videos and opened a yoga studio in Newport instead. Built on one simple idea. Love over fear. Ames Yates. Welcome to the Pressures of Privilege.
[00:01:18] Speaker A: Good to be here.
[00:01:21] Speaker B: It's just unbelievable. I used to jog with your grandfather, the Senator Claiborne Pell.
[00:01:27] Speaker A: I remember shuffling with him, which was, you know, his version of jogging.
Not a brisk pace, but, you know, that was when I was, like, 12 and he was in his 80s, so he was not as spry as he used to be.
[00:01:44] Speaker B: Yeah, but I noticed that when you ran for political office, I saw an article about that, because I remember you ran for city council.
The one thing that I have to agree with you, he was all about finding what was good for people and putting your ego aside.
[00:02:04] Speaker A: Yeah. Very challenging.
[00:02:06] Speaker B: But it's so cool that he was so wise.
[00:02:09] Speaker A: Your grandfather, he left a pretty incredible mark, especially on the state and really on the country. I mean, I'm obviously biased, but I think he. He was an incredible man.
[00:02:21] Speaker B: I know you didn't make it into city council, though, unfortunately.
[00:02:24] Speaker A: But c' est la vie. I. I believe that the doors that are meant to open, open, and the doors that don't, aren't.
[00:02:33] Speaker B: And you've had some cool doors open in the last few years. So I'm just curious. You spent years and years, you know, getting, like, access to powerful people, you know, what was that all about for you?
[00:02:45] Speaker A: I mean, I.
I was a local news reporter. I got out of college and I started working at Bloomberg tv. I was doing the overnight shift there and then tried to kind of throw my hand in, or hat in the ring, rather, trying on air. And so I became a reporter for cbs and A reporter for Fox, and then moved back to New York and became a digital producer for Business Insider.
And that really was more my education than any other actual formal education I've ever had. I got to, by the nature of being assigned a strategy vertical, get to interview people like Tony Robbins, people like Michael Hayden, who was the director of the NSA and the CIA, and this fascinating guy, William McRaven, Admiral McRaven, who was the head of the Navy Seals. And I just got to learn from these guys.
And it really was, the origination came from me just being assigned these interviews to do.
And then I got to obviously interview them, but learn from them. And there was a lot of kind of common themes throughout those individuals. William McRaven had this incredible speech that he gave that basically made him go viral, and that was, I wake up every day and I make my bed. And starting one small task that I can accomplish produces that domino effect where I can accomplish more tasks and one feeds into the other. And I set myself up for success. And so I really got to retain subconsciously a lot of what I was for in the moment. Taking for granted definitely left its mark. And it was just through sheer assignment of these individuals that, you know, I was kind of just doing my job. But it really turned into a formal education all while, you know, I was behaving like a kind of a psychopath, drinking and smoking a lot of weed and, you know, so I was able to juggle quite a few balls. Substance abuse and high performance at the same time.
[00:05:24] Speaker B: Wow. I've often heard this phrase, you know, substances gave me wings and then eventually it took away the sky.
[00:05:32] Speaker A: Yeah, I mean I, I would smoke a marijuana vape pen throughout the entire day and drink a bottle of wine to go to sleep.
But my identity was directly correlated and my self worth worth was directly correlated in my career and I did quite well. And I would cut these interviews based on these rather short form videos, based on the interviews that I was doing.
And with the fuel of being high all the time, I would cut five or six videos a day, churn them out, and was consistently their top producer, all while deprioritizing my own well being.
Because my self worth came in those very kind of societally correlated benchmarks of success. Meaning I'm the top producer, I'm doing well at work, and so that's how I valued my worthiness.
[00:06:45] Speaker B: Yeah, it sounds like you've changed.
[00:06:48] Speaker A: I mean, I don't know, like they say that, you know, I guess the first sign of wisdom is realizing how much of an idiot one is. And I. That. That I relate to deeply. I definitely don't value my self worth based on how I'm doing professionally anymore. I value my self worth based on how I'm behaving and the quality of the relationships that are important to me.
[00:07:14] Speaker B: I guess one of your last interviews was with the Dalai Lama, right? That really famous interview. I've often wondered, did that interview maybe help lead? I mean, you say they've all educated you. All of those interviews were an education, but maybe that one seemed to have a profound effect on you.
[00:07:31] Speaker A: Yeah, I mean, you know, the Dalai Lama is almost kind of too good to be true. I mean, he's zenned out and sitting in his home right now in Dharamshala in northern India, where he hiked on foot through the Himalayan Mountains in 1959 so that the Chinese wouldn't kill him. He's a fascinating individual. His practice is such that it's hard to kind of aspire to. So he's not very relatable.
But he has a lot of wisdom. And, and, you know, he said some things that have really kind of cracked open my experience of life and also cracked open my experience of interconnectedness. He said something that I thought was very interesting. He said, you know, and the way he drops these bombs is just like super casual and then met with like a little giggle.
But he said he, he kind of was staring into space a little bit, and he goes, you know, human beings, we all experience suffering, we all want to be happy, so we're all the same.
And I was just like, huh? We are all the same. We do all experience suffering, we do all want to be happy. What a radical unifier for humanity.
That basic point.
[00:09:00] Speaker B: Oh, my God, it's so simple, but it's so deep.
[00:09:04] Speaker A: Yeah, totally. He's. He's full of a lot of those quite simple and, and, you know, very heavy, powerful statements.
[00:09:14] Speaker B: And so what did it look like? You walked in the. His, like the room with him, like, what happened? What did you expect?
[00:09:20] Speaker A: Well, I. It was the third time I had met him. The first time was here in Newport when I was 18.
And I asked him, your holiness, what's the most important thing I can do to die happy?
And he smiled and immediately, like, you know, like he had been prepped on the question.
He said, well, try and help people. If he can't help people, don't hurt people. And I was like, huh. Another very simple, profound statement, which I immediately ignored and, you know, proceeded to go out and leave a witness wake of destruction for the next, like, 20 years.
And then I saw him again and interviewed him in D.C.
and then this third time, I was working at Mashable at the time. I was a senior series producer. And I sent his organization an email. It was like help@or infoalama.com, i think was the email. It was a total blind interview, Our total blind email. And basically I just said, hi, we've met twice before. I'd love to come to India and sit down with you and talk to you about happiness.
And click send. Expected nothing to ever come of it. And then within two days, two or three days, I got a response saying, sure, when do you want to come?
And that kind of blew my mind.
I was like, oh, my God, well, this is now becoming real.
And I quit my job, put together a camera crew and flew out there about a month or so later. It was amazing. I mean, I walked in and he comes up to me and he pushes his forehead against mine. I could feel the sweat on his brow.
And then we sit down and we start talking. And he, for a good hour or so, basically shed light on what he thinks is the key to happiness, which is not new material. I mean, this is what he has focused his life on conveying and transmuting to others.
But the key to happiness is compassion, is the golden rule, is trying to treat others how you would want to be treated.
And also he talked about compassion for ourselves. You know, I think I'm certainly an example of someone who can be ruthless towards myself and never behave that way outwardly. So that was a bit of a radical concept to try and invite that same compassion that I would direct towards my kid or my mother or someone I loved in a very kind of unconditional way, Try and direct that same level of self, love and compassion internally, which is far easier said than done. But I'm definitely better at it now than I was in previous iterations of myself.
[00:12:36] Speaker B: So I'm assuming you're not using anymore?
[00:12:39] Speaker A: No. No drugs, no alcohol. I stopped.
I stopped drinking about three and a half years ago.
And I personally go to meetings. That's tremendously helpful. I work a program, but I stopped drinking and then of course, didn't want to do the steps because anything but the steps.
And then quickly realized that it was the alcohol that was the cause of all my problems.
Meaning I have a green light to do drugs and then did drugs. Practicing California, sober for a while, and then proceeded to blow my life up again.
And then kicking and screaming, surrender completely to this very simple program. That personally has worked for me. One day at a time and did the steps. And then halfway through the steps, my girlfriend at the time, Kayla, got pregnant, which was a added motivation to continue with that work, Completed the steps.
Kayla and I got engaged.
She grew and grew in terms of the belly. Every other part of her did not grow because she's an absolute beautiful angel who inevit, inevitably, is going to watch this. So she's like my queen. And even though I don't tell her enough, she really is.
[00:14:14] Speaker B: She is beautiful. Absolutely. I've seen her at the gym with that belly. I was impressed she was in there until the last moment.
[00:14:21] Speaker A: She's amazing. And then 9ish months later, I woke up and I got a year of sobriety. And I woke up and I turned to Kayla and I go, I call her Bunny. I go, bunny, I've been sober for a year.
And she turns to me and she goes, oh, baby, I'm so happy for you. I love you so much. I'm having contractions.
And so we go to the hospital. And then Madison, my daughter, our daughter was born at 2:23am this is October 15th.
She was born at 2:23am, October 16th. And so for me, you know, I think that the spirit, Buddha, Allah, God, whatever you want to call it, I, I certainly think that it doesn't care what you call it, but that higher power can speak in whispers and be very subtle.
And it can be a giant neon blinking billboard.
And for me, the day that I celebrated a year of sobriety, the same day my fiance goes into labor, that's a billboard sign. And what that billboard said is, stay on the path, kid.
This is the right direction to be going. And, and one day at a time.
That is my focus, to stay on the path. Reminding myself that. And this goes back to that compassion component, reminding myself that my best is different on any given day and that I can be consistent about the forgiveness and the grace with which I approach my own psyche and my own mind.
And that can be not only consistent, but strengthened because I have patience in recognizing that my best is different on any given day. Sometimes my best is don't put drugs and alcohol in my body. Sometimes my best is don't put drugs and alcohol in my body. Exercise and be productive with the studio. And it oscillates in every way in between.
[00:16:48] Speaker B: So you mentioned the studio, which is your new project.
[00:16:52] Speaker A: Yes, my new project. It's called Love Defeats Fear.
And it's a yoga studio in Newport, Rhode Island.
The symbol for it is love.
Greater than sign fear, which I do believe is a mathematical accurate statement, an accurate, you know, problem or what, whatever it is, but equation rather.
And it's a, it's a, a very community focused space. We have a lot of regulars that enjoy practicing there. I love to practice there.
And the real mission of the studio and the motto of the studio is empowering you to find peace through self care. That's fundamentally what the studio is about. Every day we're a little different in terms of our level of physicality that, that and energy that we have on any given day.
And of course at any part of our lives we're in different stages. And so it's really meant to meet the individual that walks through those doors where they are and leave them feeling like they did something good by moving their body, feeling them physiologically better through movement.
[00:18:10] Speaker B: Well, I've been to some of your classes and they're good.
[00:18:15] Speaker A: Come on back.
[00:18:16] Speaker B: I need to come back. I need, I need more self care, Ames.
[00:18:20] Speaker A: I mean I think a. I'm right there with you and I think that it's entirely appropriate to prioritize our self care because I really do feel like, you know, I mean the, the analogy of the, the oxygen mask on the plane. If I want to be of service to anyone else then I have to prioritize my own self care and that the most selfless thing I can do in genuinely being available and, and helping others is caring for myself.
It's, you know, there's some irony in that that, you know, I have to put myself first in order to put others first. But, but I, I've come to believe that that is true.
[00:19:07] Speaker B: Yeah, you're, I've seen you also working with the sort of your community like not just in the yoga studio, but also the fellowship and the fellowship. I mean, oh my God, you. That the community in Newport's thriving right now. It's just beautiful to see like the young people.
[00:19:22] Speaker A: My God, I think so too. I mean I have a sponsee who is 30 years old, he's got a two year old son, he really wants it and you know, I'm taking him through the program that I was taken through and it's so delightful to see those lights go off and to relate to him as he finds a bit of accountability for the destruction that he's caused.
Because that was my experience.
Having gone through the same work that I'm taking him through. I mean it's fundamentally just getting honest with myself, which I was not for a long time. I was full of Shit.
[00:20:09] Speaker B: But taking accountability for the trail of destruction, that's so hard to do. I mean, I'm struggling with that now.
[00:20:17] Speaker A: And, you know, I think that fundamentally, almost immediately in able to truly tap into the highest potential of being a effective.
It comes with forgiving ourselves, recognizing that our best is different. Our best might not be very good on any given day, and that that's okay because I think that we only have so much bandwidth in our, our psyche. And if we don't do something perfectly and then beat the shit out of ourselves for that imperfect thing we handled in the moment, that, that statement or words or behavior, then our bandwidth has been exhausted and there's nothing left to help shift and guide us towards making perhaps a better in the moment, real time, you know, dance with whatever is in front of us.
Uh, because all our bandwidth has gone to beating ourselves up about something that's already happened. So, you know, that for me is.
Is important to keep in mind that, you know, I, I need to give myself grace and, and, and be gentle with myself, recognizing that perfection is an illusion and that I'm, I'm claiming progress. I'm trying to do a little bit better. Recognizing that a little bit better still has a lot of wrong and a lot of laws. Kayla would definitely attest to that. You know, I. She has never seen me drunk.
She's certainly seen me on drugs.
But, you know, she, like, it's nice to be able to, like, wax philosophical with you and say, oh, like, I'm, you know, I'm doing so well, I'm sober, blah, blah, blah. But, like, I would rather grab Kayla and like, pull Kayla into the screen. She's not here with me now. She's with her family in New York. I'm about to go visit them for Father's Day, but I'd like to pull her into the screen and be like, you know, answer this honestly, like, how am I really doing? And, you know, that's the, the kind of genuine barometer and benchmark because it's a lot harder to walk the walk than it is to talk to the talk.
[00:22:43] Speaker B: Do we ever get there, actually?
[00:22:46] Speaker A: I mean, I think it's progress, not perfection.
I think all of a sudden we can handle things that used to baffle us in the past. The positive steps in the right direction. Compound and cement, I believe, the ability to do the right thing in the moment.
[00:23:10] Speaker B: You grew up in Newport and around, you know, a little more privileged than, Than most people.
And you've been, you know, through your work, near power, the CIA, the Navy, SEALs, celebrity circles, like, you know, so without, like you didn't really hold the power yourself.
So what did that teach you about privilege?
[00:23:32] Speaker A: I mean, I never really felt like an insider, even though by a lot of benchmarks, that's what I was. I always felt like I didn't belong and I always had imposter syndrome. I did not feel as though I deserved anything, which you know, boiled down to me not really having a high opinion of myself.
And that coupled with bad behavior, selfish behavior, compounded my kind of self loathing and, and, and hatred that I, that I had for myself, which only in turn compounded my desire to numb that in the way that I knew, which was marijuana, which was alcohol, drugs as well, other kinds of drugs.
So I don't know, I don't even know if I'm answering your question, but I do feel like, you know, being around certain circles did not do anything to elevate my confidence or my sense of belonging.
[00:24:48] Speaker B: Did fear come up in those days?
[00:24:50] Speaker A: Oh, yeah. And you know, I'm a. I really believe that we can intellectually be aware of something far before we infuse that into our behavior and what comes out of our mouth and stuff like that.
And you know, I think I was intellectually aware of this statement that, that love is more powerful than fear long before I really kind of was able to put that into practice.
And I think that yes, love is more powerful than fear, but fear's pretty damn powerful.
[00:25:27] Speaker B: Well, Machiavelli said fear was more powerful than love.
[00:25:30] Speaker A: Yeah, I think that I would, I would revise that a little bit and say that fear wins more battles than love, but love is more powerful. It's just we inherently fall into the trap of our amygdala. I mean, there's two components of our brains that I find to be fascinating. And this is a commonality of all human beings with a conscious. We have an amygdala, which is an almond shaped part of the brain that evolved first and that is responsible for fear, it's responsible for anxiety, it's responsible for stress.
And the amygdala was created, we evolved and grew that amygdala so that we would be terrified of the saber toothed tiger and we would be constantly on edge for another attacking tribe to come into our cave and kill us all. So I'm literally here sitting here talking to you on my computer because my direct descendants, my direct ancestors, were a little more stressed and terrified than my other ancestors who were like a little more chill and got killed.
And so that part of our brain, which is, by the way, much smaller, can control a lot of our decision making. But there's another part of the brain which is the size of an orange or grapefruit, which is the prefrontal cortex in the front of our brain. And the prefrontal cortex is responsible for reasoning, it's responsible for well being and wants you to be at peace.
And the prefrontal cortex is what separates us from every other animal. We are aware that we have a conscious like every other animal. If they're hungry, they go and eat. If they have to go to the bathroom, they go to the bathroom with us.
We are able to reason why one thought is more constructive and helpful than another thought. And for me, it's been a kind of a tremendous unlock to recognize that not all of my thoughts are created equally. And in fact, the vast majority of my thoughts, especially the first thought, is almost always dog shit and wrong. And just like, you know, coming from the amygdala, being able to recognize that just because I think it does not make it so.
And quite often, more often than not, if it's the first thing that occurs to me, it's actually inaccurate, allows me to kind of shift the filing cabinet of my brain and recognize where certain thoughts and impulses are coming from. And also, thankfully, because of the prefrontal cortex, I have the ability to reason as to why not only is that thought not true, but why it's deeply unhelpful and requires letting go of and dismantling.
And that is all work that I've been able to, to focus on and learn about and incorporate with a lot of, you know, imperfections over the last couple years.
[00:29:17] Speaker B: Yeah, but that's, that's hard to catch yourself. You know, like, you have to be self aware and in your body to notice when or that director, you know, that part of the brain that recognizes, oh, that thought is not helpful. You've got to be aware of like conscious of that.
[00:29:33] Speaker A: In the past, if I thought something, I thought it had to be like, I want that. Well, I want that.
So I should try and take steps to get that.
Now I can say, oh, I want that. Well, does that serve me? Is that something that is going to promote my well being?
You know, there have been countless times where I've seen drugs and alcohol in the last two years and said to myself, I want that so I can now poke holes in my own thinking. Recognizing that just because I think it does not make it so. Because I'm thinking that and can also correlate it, with my lack of well being, I can understand where it's coming from in my brain, which is the amygdala. You know, not all thoughts are created equal.
And that's something that I really keep in mind because I'm not responsible for everything that goes on in my mind. I'm responsible for what my behavior is, what I say and do, not the circus that unfolds in my mind.
[00:30:48] Speaker B: Would you say that over time the thinking is maybe becoming a bit less of a circus through repetition, through behavior change, through your daily practice, you know, yoga, meditation. I mean, I'm assuming, you know, I mean, I know you do yoga. I mean, are you a big meditator?
[00:31:04] Speaker A: I oscillate between different, you know, sometimes I'll meditate, sometimes I won't meditate.
I know what it does for me, I know the benefit. But, you know, I've kind of taken my meditative practice into a way of living in which.
But to answer your question, the, the short answer is yeah, it absolutely gets easier. Our brain, the neuroplasticity within our minds is built upon habitual behavior. So the more I forgive myself, the more I am gentle with myself, the more I support myself within my own mind, the easier and more natural that becomes.
The more I beat the crap out of myself, the more easy that becomes. Aristotle had this great quote that I love. Excellence is habitual, and excellence, even that word has a very positive connotation. But I found it to be far more helpful with a negative connotation. Like if I beat the crap out of myself all the time every day, I become excellent at that. And, and I was excellent at that. And, and now I am one day at a time becoming a little bit better at not doing that, at doing the antithesis of that, at being my own support structure and being able to remind myself of the things in my life that I'm grateful for. Which of course compounds my sense of appreciation and enjoyment of life. You know, rather than fixating on only the things that I don't have, which compounds my lack of enjoyment and why I'm, I cannot feel whole right now because that wholeness only exists after getting something that I currently don't, don't have. And I don't really feel that way anymore.
[00:33:05] Speaker B: You have an aura of contentment. Whenever I see you.
[00:33:08] Speaker A: I appreciate that it's hard fought.
[00:33:11] Speaker B: I love seeing you. There's always a big smile on your face. I read that you did the, the Modern Elder Academy.
[00:33:17] Speaker A: I did do the Modern Elder.
[00:33:19] Speaker B: That's for older people. You're kind of young for that, aren't you?
[00:33:22] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. I, I went down to Mexico and, and took part in that. It was incredible. It was with this guy, Matthew Ricard, as well as a few others that, that were hosting it.
[00:33:36] Speaker B: Yeah. Who's the host of that again? He's done a lot of Chip.
Chip Conley. That's right.
[00:33:42] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:33:42] Speaker B: Did you get to meet him?
[00:33:43] Speaker A: I met him and spent. Basically spent a week at his house and he's a fascinating guy.
That was quite an experience. I, I enjoyed it, but you know, I wasn't sober then.
[00:33:57] Speaker B: Oh, you weren't sober then?
[00:33:58] Speaker A: So, you know, it's all kind of lost on me. I mean it is and it isn't, but I consider myself, I mean I started drinking and smoking marijuana when I was, I don't know, 16. So I've been completely sober for two years. So I'm 40 years old. I'm a 40 year old, 18 year old and I've never been more aware of that than I am now. I put my sobriety above my daughter, above my fiance, above my family, above my yoga studio, above everything.
Because for the first time in my life I'm really keenly aware of the fact that the gifts that I have in my life and the state of mind that I have is a direct result of that. And I will almost immediately screw up all of it if I cannot stay sober. To newcomers in the program.
I personally like to go to AA and that's been helpful for me.
Newcomers in the program. I'll say, hey, drink tomorrow, save it for tomorrow. And that is kind of a little more extreme and intense version of One Day at a Time. But that's, that's what I needed to hear in, in early sobriety, you know, I'm not going to stay sober for the rest of my life, but I'm going to stay sober today.
And that attitude is why I have, you know, three and a half ish years of no boobs, lose two, almost two years of no drugs because I can do it tomorrow.
[00:35:37] Speaker B: Yeah. What about the higher power concept? Some people have problem with that. And also I was curious on your stance on the whole higher power versus the Buddhist approach where they don't have a higher power. Right. Like, like it's, it's more of like the refuge within the self.
[00:35:54] Speaker A: Yeah, I mean the, the I particularly, I like to flirt with Vajrayana Buddhism and, and the two distinct differences between Vajrayana Buddhism and the other two major forms of Buddhism is that you can achieve enlightenment in One lifetime. And you are Buddha, like you are actually Buddha, which is a different way of saying God is within. So, you know, I don't see my concept of a higher power. I don't see one canceling out the other.
I believe that, you know, for me in the program, the concept of a higher power, the most fundamental principle to acknowledge is that I'm not the higher power. I'm not God. I used to think I was, because I used to think that all my thoughts were so good and whatever I thought I needed to act on, and then proceeded to blow up my life several times over.
So, you know, when I play God, I end up in an AA meeting.
[00:37:02] Speaker B: How do you reconcile being Buddha then? If you are Buddha, then you are God? No.
[00:37:06] Speaker A: Well, I feel like it's only through acknowledging that I'm not God that I can see that God is within me and that, you know, the fundamental thing that we're talking about right now is humility.
And humility is a critical component for me in recognizing that there is a divine spirit alive and well within me. It only is accessed through humility and recognizing, well, I'm not God. Oh, wait a second. If I'm not God, then I can kind of start to see that God is this spirit that is flowing through everything. God is one oneness. If God is oneness, God is me. I am God. But I only can see that if I acknowledge that I am a part of the whole.
And that acknowledgment only happens in the first step by acknowledging that it's not me. If that makes any sense.
[00:38:10] Speaker B: Yeah, I mean, it made sense. I don't think I could repeat it right. The way you said it so beautifully.
But it. It makes me think that your grandfather would be so proud of you right now. I think he would be like, wow. I mean, you're kind of like the. The modern version of your grandfather in a way. You know, he was so against the ego. And to me, ego is antithesis to humility.
[00:38:33] Speaker A: Yeah, I mean, I appreciate you saying that. And I think that, you know, my grandfather did a lot for the country and, you know, was a very complicated man, personally. And, you know, you know, I think that a lot of very powerful, very successful people, you know, that there's some commonality there, and I ultimately would like to have no separation between who I am in my home and who I am outside of my home. And being able to infuse this philosophy, you know, that we've touched all a lot of different components to. To the. The philosophy of of compassion, but fundamentally, make it who I am in every facet of myself.
And as I said, you know, I, I, you can put me to the test by dragging Kayla. If she was here now, I'd do it saying, like, how am I doing? And. And if she says, like, ugh, terrible, then, well, there you go. Don't listen to me.
I mean, I think fundamentally that's how I get to define what success means to me. And I used to define success by you have to be a senator or. My other grandfather was Mike Wallace, the 60 Minutes anchor. And so you have to be more than a senator or you have to be more than Mike Wallace, who. How could you ever achieve that? That, I mean, like, you know, where, where. Where's left to go from there? Not too many jobs. And, and so I'm aware now that I get to define what success looks like for me. And I do not define success in the same way that I used to. I do not define success as, you know, in line with necessarily how society often defines success. You know, I'm very happy with a yoga studio that has a few people, but not, you know, overflowing classes.
That is a genuine service to the community and for those that come through the doors.
I have a beautiful daughter. I'm a good dad to her. I'm sober for the most part.
I'm a good partner.
[00:41:00] Speaker B: And you've kept your sense of humor. You showed me that picture of.
[00:41:04] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got her. I got my daughter a plastic knife on Amazon that I like to hand to her and then walk into a room full of family.
Gives me great joy.
[00:41:16] Speaker B: I think that's a sign of recovery when you can laugh and you can make jokes and.
[00:41:21] Speaker A: Totally, totally. And, you know, the levity that comes with not only laughing at, you know, a humorous thing unfolding in real time, but, like, laughing. Laughing at the horrific past, the, you know, sordid, horrible, broken past, the wreckage of my life. Being able to find humor in that, I, I would agree, is a sign that, you know, that clearly does not define us anymore.
[00:41:49] Speaker B: Yeah. So if the Dalai Lama asked you today what your work means, what would you tell them?
[00:41:55] Speaker A: I would say it means genuinely trying to be of service to others and trying to walk the walk instead of just talk the talk.
[00:42:07] Speaker B: Nice. Well, that's a step ahead of the don't hurt others and.
Right. Well, yeah. You're. Yeah. What did he say originally? Help others.
[00:42:15] Speaker A: Try and help people. If you can't help people, don't hurt people.
[00:42:18] Speaker B: Yeah. Sounds like you're Doing what he told you when you were 18?
[00:42:21] Speaker A: Yeah. I mean, it took 22 years, but yeah, yeah.
[00:42:26] Speaker B: Progress, perfection.
[00:42:27] Speaker A: Amen. Amen.
[00:42:31] Speaker B: So cool. Is there any story from your old career that you're still thinking about?
[00:42:36] Speaker A: Oh, man, I mean, I, I would like to put together that, that Dalai Lama, you know, you saw the, A clip of it. But I would like to do, I would like to tell that, you know, as the most entertaining. It's a self help doc. That's the most entertaining, ridiculous, debauched, absurd story of redemption and redemption that unfolds, you know, for each one of us in how we treat ourselves. You know, I don't think happiness is, you know, what the hell is happiness? Like, it's a fleeting, momentary thing in the same way that being high is a fleeting, fleeting, momentary thing.
I, I have now swapped out the word happiness for peace, for well being, for contentment. These are all words that I find are much more conducive to what happiness is supposed to cover, but actually is just as much of an elusive, you know, impermanent little fleck of, of, of stardust than, you know, the much more sustainable and much more important goal to me, which is moment to moment peace. That's, that's. I never really realized that that's what I wanted when I said I want to be happy.
[00:44:05] Speaker B: Does Zen Buddhist have that sentence after enlightenment, chop would carry water?
So to me that seems like that enlightenment moment, that moment of.
I would, I would think enlightenment's pretty pleasurable. It, it's fleeting sometimes. And then you have to go back to chopping woody, carrying water.
[00:44:22] Speaker A: Totally there. That, that, you know. Oh, you're enlightened. Okay, cool. Now go sweep the floor.
[00:44:29] Speaker B: Yeah, you can't meditate all day.
[00:44:31] Speaker A: And, and that's why, you know, the meditation becomes a way of life, you know, I mean, it becomes, we have an opportunity to meditate in every interaction, in every breath.
You know, it's, it's available at all times. And, and you know, I, I personally believe that's the spiritual path is infusing that kind of mindfulness and that kind of compassion into our daily lives.
[00:45:04] Speaker B: It's so hard to tap into compassion when somebody's done you wrong or when you have, for example. I mean, I see it with, you know, in my community, people who are like, they have a thing against a political candidate and they get really, really angry. And if you say to them, please find some compassion for that political leader that you can't stand.
I mean, I mean, they couldn't be
[00:45:26] Speaker A: more opposite that's why the stuff that we're talking about is very challenging. It's why it's very elusive for a lot of people, myself included, for, you know, the majority of my life.
And all I can say to that is, okay, well, you know, how about we agree on the importance of directing that compassion towards ourselves.
And I do believe that that's where our capacity for compassion towards others springs from. Our capacity to be compassionate with ourselves.
[00:46:05] Speaker B: That's a beautiful, I mean, I think this is a great end to our, our, our conversation because that's the hardest part. They say love others until you love yourself, but that's so trite. But I think this sort of having compassion for yourself and your trail of destruction, or my trail of destruction because that's the thing I'm fighting with at the moment.
How can I be compassionate for others unless I'm compassionate for myself?
[00:46:28] Speaker A: Totally. And you know, how am I compassionate for myself? I'm compassionate for myself in, you know, trying to not do drugs and alcohol today.
Sometimes in the beginning of my sobriety journey, my self care, my self love was so impossible of a concept to understand that the only act of self care or self love I could conduct on a daily basis was just don't poison myself. And then, you know, as that is compounded, it kind of branches out. Like can I incorporate some exercise into my day? Can I incorporate some good healthy food into my day? And more importantly, can I be gentle enough with myself when I eat that, you know, loaf of bread, 15 cookies because I'm still an addict and, and then, you know, another four other pieces of cake. Can I be compassionate with myself enough to recognize that that's okay? Totally accept that that's fine.
You know, tomorrow maybe you eat five pieces of cake again or maybe you like go do some yoga and eat some eggs.
But my, my big point of like, of where personally I'm at is that I only have so much energy.
And so doing the thing that is not conducive to my peace or to me feeling good takes up a little bit of energy.
But the amount to which I can beat myself up over making that imperfect decision takes far more energy.
So much energy that it leaves no room for me to have the momentum to try and do the next right thing because I'm so exhausted with just beating the crap out of myself.
[00:48:21] Speaker B: That makes perfect sense.
God, I love it. Simplicity, but so deep.
[00:48:29] Speaker A: It's, you know, I mean it's, it's hard fought and, and I really do feel like, I mean, I said it before I get to define what success looks like for me today. And the ways I define it have radically changed. Success for me today is how am I living in the moment today. You know, and it's often flawed and imperfect. You know, I still get into arguments, I still get into fights, I still say the wrong thing.
But the way in which I do not beat myself up about doing that, that has softened. And that right there is just a radical change from who I was a few years ago.
[00:49:20] Speaker B: Well, thank you so much, James.
[00:49:22] Speaker A: My privilege. Thank you.
[00:49:27] Speaker B: If this episode landed for you, share it with someone who might need to hear it. And if you haven't already, subscribe so you. You don't miss what's coming. But here's the real thing. I want you to know if you're carrying something you can't talk about, if you have every resource except someone who actually understands what wealth costs. I work one on one with people like you navigating exactly that. You can reach me@diana oehrli.com thanks for listening.
